Things are always easier when you don’t care.
It’s so strange coming back here. I seem to only come here when I need encouragement or I’m sad. I see the things that I share and always reminisce in my past postings. It’s like I repost things that I sometimes feel but mostly things I want or things that make me feel good. When I write though it always seems to be at a low moment for myself. Why do I always seem to come back to this feeling. I work so hard to get away from it.
Today was almost like a roller coaster. I woke up with Aaron and everything was fine. We showered and at the end is where things changed. Once out of the shower he started telling me to sleep with other guys. It really bothers me when he says that. I hate how he doesn’t believe me when I tell him I’m happy. I’m not lying why can’t you just trust me. I don’t want him saying these things joking or not because I don’t want these thoughts in his head that I would ever actually consider doing any of that. I also don’t want him to feel bad or low about himself. He doesn’t deserve to. We then got over it and we left for the day.
We have breakfast at Sandie’s dinner and everything seemed fine. He drove around a little bit showed me his friends car shop and then took me to work. My car isn’t running and needs a new battery. He was going to use my card to buy a battery for me while I was at work so I handed him a card. He didn’t want to use it because it was a credit card. At first I thought he was joking. Aaron jokes a lot. It’s one of the things I like about him. His humor is great just as long as it’s not putting himself down. Anyways, he tells me he hates credit cards. I don’t understand why he wont just use it it’s not his and it’s not putting him in debt. The only reason I gave him that card is because I transferred all of my money out of my checking account into my savings so I only spent so much money at the Blink-182 concert. It was my last available transfer for the month. So unless I physically go to the bank and move my money it’s just not worth it to me. I can use my credit card then wire the payment to pay it off instantly. Aaron says no he isn’t doing it and I can go buy the battery on my own. It kinda bothered me because one I don’t have a car so how am I going to go buy one. Two because he was going to help me and just completely backed out of it. This is why I hate asking for help. I hate relying on anyone it’s so uncomfortable for me. But whatever I’m used to it so I took my card back. I open the door to get out and go to work. He asks if I’m mad and I say no then I ask him if he can give me a ride home from work at 6 or do I need to find a ride. Tuesdays he hangs out with his friend Ben. I don’t want to interrupt if they are working on cars and mainly I don’t want to be a burden. He says then asks me how I got home yesterday. I told him last night Taylor gave me a ride and it wasn’t a problem so I didn’t understand why it was now. He tells me how we can make it an everyday thing Taylor picking me up from work. I tell him to stop. Taylor was on his way into town to run errands and asked if on the way he could take me home which he did. Aaron then tells me I’ve already said that Taylor was giving me a ride home so I don’t have to be worried about getting a ride. I never said Taylor was giving me a ride today. I would never ask him to come into town to give me a ride. Other words were said and I didn’t want to fight. So I get out of the car and I go into work. I only last a few seconds before crying and asking em for a ride home. Denise ends up texting me to go to lunch so instead I ask her for a ride home because I cant focus. I come home and sleep the whole day.
I get a phone call from Emily, talking to Em brought this wave of emotions I hadn’t felt in some time. I called her crying asking for a ride home from wok because I couldn’t focus. I explained to her what had happened between Aaron and I. She then told me how she just doesn’t want me to go back to that place I was in. How I’ve worked so hard to be who I am now and independent and happy but she doesn’t want someone to take that away from me and bring me down. I get it she doesn’t want to see me un happy again and me feeling like I’m a problem to everyone. But how do you stay happy when you really are a burden in someones life that you only wanted to help.
